On the 19th of May, 2013, my mother picked me up from home and we made our way to the airport for the most important trip in my life. I had never been out of the country or even on a plane before. So aside from the excitement of surgery, there was another bout of excitement from me taking my first ever plane trip. We had to fly from Perth to Singapore, then onto Bangkok. We landed in Singapore and my first ever experience outside Australia had begun. It was 3:30am when we arrived and we were hungry. We hunted around for somewhere to satiate our need for food and found a McDonalds store. I ordered a Sausage, bacon and egg muffin and was very surprised to find that there was absolutely no pig involved. It ended up being chicken sausage and turkey bacon. I have to say, I definitely prefer the original.

We arrived in Bangkok at 8am and the first thing I did after clearing immigration was go to the local phone provider kiosks and get a SIM card. If you’re planning on going to another country, this is probably the best thing you can do. It worked out to be 800 Thai Baht (~AU$26) for the whole month for phone and internet access. After getting my SIM card, I continued down the airport entrance to find Bow, one of Dr Suporn’s nurses, holding a card with my name on it. Once we hopped in the van, it was time to head over to Chonburi, about one hour’s drive outside Bangkok, where I would spend the next four weeks.

On the way to Chonburi, we had a chat with Bow and took in the sights. Now bear in mind, this is more of a working class city than a tourist city, so there were mostly factories along the way, with a few temples thrown in here and there. We could already feel the heat that I was dreading. At this point, I had been a week without any hormone pills, so I was well into the depths that is menopause. As we arrived at the Chon Inter Hotel, we were welcomed with a nice cool drink as I checked us in for the night. Our hotel room booking had all been taken care of, so all I had to do was show them my passport and get the key.

We were told to head over to the clinic at 2pm for my appointment with Dr Suporn. The clinic is just around the corner from the hotel, but they insisted on picking us up in the van as we hadn’t been there before. In the clinic, we were welcomed with an offer of an amazing Thai iced tea. This tasted like no other iced tea I’ve ever had before. Time came for me to see the doctor and once I was in the room, it was time to drop my pants. I hopped up onto the bed with my legs spread and he seemed quite happy with what he saw. I was handed a bouquet of flowers and told to head back to the hotel and rest up for the night, as tomorrow I would be checking in to hospital.

We ended up sleeping a lot that night as we had almost no sleep on the plane the night before. Twelve noon rolled around, time to board the van for the trip to Aikchol Hospital, where I would spend the next week. In the van, I met another woman going through the same thing as me named Nicole. She was scheduled for surgery the day after me, so we both had our tests at the hospital at the same time. Her mother, Ann, came to Thailand to support her also. So while we were having our tests, our mothers were getting to know each other in the foyer of the hospital. One of the most interesting tests would have to be the psychiatrist. He simply asked me a few questions, we talked for a total of about 5 minutes, then he diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder. Guess that was just a formality.

We left Nicole and her mother and were taken up to the 9th floor to check in. The hospital room was amazing. It was better than the hotel room we had the night before. Of course, being a geek, it was my duty to sort out my technology first and foremost. I would be stuck in this bed for the next week, so it was imperative that I had entertainment. Turns out the TV in the hospital room had a USB port on the side and just enough room behind the mounting bracket to hold my portable hard disk that I had loaded with things to watch while on my trip. I then set up the hospital WiFi using a repeating router and was away.

At this point, I jumped on my laptop and started chatting with other trans people, letting them know how I’m doing and such. Turns out, one of the women who I’d been talking to, April, was in the room right next to me. I went over there and we had a chat about how everything was going, what to expect, etc. At one point, she told me to go to the fridge in her room and grab the bag on the top shelf. I did exactly that, then thought for a moment and said “I’m holding your balls, aren’t I?” Turns out she asked for them to be preserved in formaldehyde so she could use them as a paper weight in the future. Definitely not something I would be doing.

10pm rolls around and up comes by far the worst part of the trip. The enema. I think it’s safe to say that I never want to go through this again. Running to the toilet while you’re full of soapy liquid is not fun. Then after you’re empty, time to do it all again, and again. I think I ended up going back and forth a total of six times before the nurse was satisfied. I have never been so exhausted in my life. From midnight I was not allowed to consume anything at all. No water, nothing. I think it’s safe to say that by morning, I was extremely thirsty.

22nd of May, my surgery day. At 6am, I’m woken up by the hospital nurses and instructed to shower and put on the hospital gown. I receive a visit from Dr Suporn, then the nurses all come to take me down to the operating theatre. Once in the theatre, there was a lot of poking and prodding, as you’d expect. Everyone was extremely nice though. The anesthetist asked my weight, then started to put me out. I was beginning to think the anesthetic wasn’t working at all until I was told that it was done. The operation was a success. One of the nurses then proclaimed to me “Happy Birthday.”

After about 20 mins of me laying in the recovery room with an oxygen mask on, the nurses took me back up to my room, where my mother was waiting impatiently. Once we were alone, I burst into tears from happiness. I was finally complete. My mother was hugging me, I’ve never been so emotional in my life.

I was told that I must not leave the bed for the next five days. My legs were sore from being in stirrups for the five hour operation, but other than that, I really didn’t have much pain. I was told that I had to try to eat. Unlike other surgeons, Dr Suporn doesn’t impose any dietary restrictions, so I was free to choose whatever I wanted to eat. I decided to just get a small hamburger, as after everything, I wasn’t really hungry. Turns out, the hospital gets their hamburgers from the local McDonalds store, and it was a Pork Burger. About half-way through the burger, I realised my body wasn’t happy with the anesthetic. I started to feel sick and one of the nurses handed me a small kidney shaped plastic bowl. It wasn’t enough, I projectile vomited around that bowl and sprayed all over the bed. They then realised that a much larger bowl would be needed. After some more vomiting, I ended up eating some chips that my mother had bought from the local 7-11. Finally, I kept this down.

I was hooked up to a morphine pump with a button to trigger a burst of it. At first, I didn’t really need to hit the button as the pain wasn’t that bad. After a while, it started to get to me. I’d heard stories about the wonderful high on morphine. I pressed the button and a few seconds later, I felt it. I wasn’t a fan. The high was just really weird, not exactly anything I’d like. As such, I kept the button pressing for when I really needed it.

The days I was in hospital were rather monotonous. Every few hours, get woken up by nurses to have them check my blood pressure and temperature. Watch some TV and eat my meals. I was visited every day by Dr Suporn and his nurses, to check on how I was doing. On the 27th of May, five days after my surgery, the bandages were taken off and I was able to see the doctor’s handiwork. It was swollen and still had some tubes coming out of it, but it was mine. I was ecstatic. I was also able to finally get out of the bed on this day. The first time I took a few steps were very exhausting. I nearly fainted. I tried it twice more the same day and had better results on each subsequent try.

Two days later, the 29th, was time to take out the packing and tubes. I was free from tubes coming out from below. It was also the start of the dreaded dilation process. Essentially, my body treats my vaginal cavity as an open wound, and tries to close it. I need to fight my healing body to stop it doing that. It was also the day that I finally got out of hospital.

Back in the hotel, we decided to go with the deluxe room option after having the cheapest room on the first night. This was well worth the extra expense. The deluxe room had way more comfy beds, a TV from this century and just felt better all around. After getting settled into our hotel room once again, having unloaded the massive pile of supplies the clinic gave us, we went downstairs to the restaurant. There we met another woman who had her operation about a week before mine named Claire, and her father Mark. It was great getting to know other people going through the exact same thing as you.

In the morning, it was time to go down to the restaurant for the buffet breakfast. This was where most of the girls gathered to chat to each other; and where I met April again, along with her friend Greeni. After breakfast and a visit from one of Dr Suporn’s nurses. I decided it would be a great idea to head to the Central Plaza in Chonburi. At this point, I didn’t feel any need to use my special cushion as I wasn’t in any pain whatsoever when I sat down. I ended up walking around Central Plaza with my mother for about 2 and a half hours. Remember this is just the day after I got out of hospital.

People couldn’t believe me when I told them, I ended up getting the name Super Michelle at one point. By this time, Nicole and Ann had also arrived back at the hotel and were just astounded when we told them that night at dinner. We ended up becoming fairly good friends with the both of them and wound up having dinner and sometimes lunch together most of the time we were there.

As the days past, with daily morning visits from Dr Suporn’s nursing staff, I kept up my super woman attitude until six days after I left hospital, the 4th of April, when I finally started to get some pain. It was nowhere near as much as many of the other girls’ there, but it was still fairly serious. It was at this point that I finally started using my cushion as it became very painful to sit without it. I was really starting to worry, my train of thought was that it shouldn’t be hurting now if it didn’t hurt earlier. Turns out it was perfectly fine.

On Wednesday the 5th, we were taken for an afternoon of relaxation at Dr Suporn’s beach house. This was just amazing. I ended up spending most of the day just laying back talking to Nicole, April and Greeni. While my mother and Ann were talking down by the beach. We had the sea breeze blowing on us so the heat wasn’t even noticeable. All around, a really great day. We didn’t want to leave.

On my Thursday checkup with Dr Suporn, he noticed that I had a small amount of separation (where the wound isn’t healing properly), but it shouldn’t be much of a problem. He told me that he would have another look early next week to see if he needed to do anything about it. Now, I got this in my head as the reason I was experiencing all the pain lately. As such, I was panicking, etc. I needed to have it fixed now. I went back to the clinic the next day just to make sure, where he reassured me that it was nothing to worry about at this stage and that he would probably stitch me up on Monday.

As Monday came, so did the start of my final week in Thailand. I had my appointment with Dr Suporn to go to at 2pm. As with all my other appointments, I went into the exam room, dropped my pants and laid down on the bed. He had one quick look and said he was going to stitch me up. His nurses then placed numbing cream on the area and had me don a rather unflattering orange robe. When I got back to the waiting area, Nicole and Ann were there and complimented my dress sense.

About an hour after my initial appointment, the nurses had me head upstairs to the doctor’s own operating theatre right there in the clinic. After they put the needle in for the local anesthetic, all the pain went. The nurse, however, was rather confused as to why I was still a little jumpy. I just smiled and said to her “oh there’s no pain, just very sensitive.” I ended up having about 30 new stitches put in me.

The next day, we had a trip to Pattaya with our favourite nurse, Bow. We were taken to the biggest jewellery store I have ever been to. They had everything, however I really didn’t budget for any big spending so it was all out of the question for me. Nicole ended up getting a beautiful blue ring. After the jewellery store, it was time to go across the road to a souvenir store where Bow insisted we try some durian ice cream. Durian is a fruit in Thailand that has a rather unique taste, however, it’s more known for the smell. It tends to smell like bad foot odor.

After contaminating the van with our durian smell, we headed over to the tourist park area just out of town for a buffet lunch. At this point, the heat was getting unbearable. Unfortunately, the entire park only had fans to cool people down. No air-conditioning to be found anywhere. Many of us got glass after glass of water, then bowls of ice cream to cool ourselves down. It seemed to work a bit, after lunch we headed to watch a traditional dance show and we weren’t affected by the heat nearly as much.

About half-way through the dance show, Bow instructed us to come aside to watch an elephant show. This was truly amazing. The things those elephants could do. April, Greeni and Ann even got lifted up in the air by the elephants.

Thursday comes along and I get a clean bill of health to head home, am given all my documents including the documentation I need to change my birth certificate. I’m given another bag filled with things to take care of my new acquisition and given a heartfelt goodbye from the staff. On Friday, for the regular scheduled check-up with the nurse, Bow arrived at my hotel door and we ended up talking for around 30 minutes about all manner of things including how much we’ll miss each other and how much she loves her job.

Friday night, I organised a farewell dinner and the turnout truly astounded me. We ended up having a total of twelve people there, all to wish me well in the rest of my life. As I was leaving, I gave Nicole, Ann, April and Greeni very emotional hugs. I was trying to keep it all in, but by the time I got to the elevator on the way back up to my room, I burst into tears. I will truly miss our time together. When my mother came up to the room, she comforted me. We had to get up at 3 in the morning to be ready for the van to take us to the airport at 5, so we both went to bed pretty early. On the way to Bangkok, I burst into tears again. I just couldn’t hold it back.

I was given a letter from Dr Suporn to give to the airline to instruct them to supply me with a wheelchair for the trip. I was a little hesitant to use it, but now I’m very glad I did. I managed to get past all lines, security was a breeze and the trip across Singapore airport would have been hell without it. I’d even heard horror stories about how long Australian customs can take, they just waved us straight through.

All in all, I’m extremely happy with the entire experience. The level of care is second to none. I’m very glad I paid the extra to go with one of, if not the best surgeon in the world. The nurses work so much to take care of you over there, they work seven days a week and at all hours, staying with you the first night after your operation and picking you up from the airport at what ever time you land. I’m very happy with the outcome, it’s sensitive and looks just as you’d expect.

I will truly miss the time I had together with Nicole, Ann, April and Greeni. I really hope to meet them again some day.

Stay tuned for another post very soon detailing what has happened since I got home.

Just before the end of last year, I started investigating surgeons. I ended up deciding on Dr Suporn Watanyusakul in Thailand. He is one of the most world renowned surgeons in the field and has pioneered his own techniques. It is for this reason that he is considerably more expensive than many other surgeons in Thailand. But for this, it’s well worth it.

On Valentines’ Day, I saw my psychiatrist, Dr Russel Date. He gave me the letter I needed approving surgery and also filled in the superannuation release forms. I then saw my GP and he filled out the other form. It was going so well that I contacted Dr Suporn’s office and told them to book me in.

Just yesterday, I received the letter from the Australian Department of Human Services approving my application to withdraw my superannuation for surgery. Needless to say I am extremely excited right now and can’t wait to get on that plane and fly to Thailand; to have the wish I have dreamed of my whole life come true. To finally be me, completely, in both body and mind.

I will be flying out from Australia on the 19th of May, surgery on the 22nd, then returning on the 15th of June. If anyone else reading this will also be in Thailand in the Bangkok or Chonburi area, let me know, I’d love to catch up.

Since the last time I posted, I have made even more significant progress. When I’m out and about, there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that I am a woman. I have since been out clubbing twice, both times I told a person who I had only met that night that I was trans and both times they didn’t even believe me. One of those was at a trans specific night where I was perceived as a cis-gendered woman who came along to support her trans friends.

Just a couple of years ago, I would have never thought anything like this would be possible. Especially in such a short amount of time. I honestly never even thought it was possible to be as happy as I am now and I know that there’s still even more to come.

As there is still more to come, it’s now time to look to the next year. I have been planning for a while to have SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) late in the first half of next year. This gives me plenty of time to get things sorted out as I plan on using my superannuation (Wikipedia link for those not familiar with it) to fund the surgery and travel costs and it can take time to organise this. I plan on traveling to Thailand and am currently shortlisting a few surgeons based on their experience and technique.

So now, as I take my next dose of hormones, I proceed into the second year of my new life as my true self; happier than I have ever been.

I have had a couple of romantic prospects lately. In May, a man I had known for several months and I had grown close. We were very much into each other. He was the shy nerdy type, exactly what I’m into. He always made me laugh and I was falling head over heels for him. In late June, I came out to him as trans. He said he was OK with this, and I was probably blindsided by my feelings for him to notice that he was struggling with it. A couple of weeks later, he broke it off. I was utterly devastated. Here was a man who I thought I could be with who truly accepted me for who I really am, and that was just destroyed.

A few days later, I started to get text messages from some guy who I had only spoken to a few times, but knew he wasn’t my type. He seemed like the alpha male type who wanted sex, could get it at any time and who definitely wouldn’t understand the whole trans issue. I let him know over and over that he wasn’t my type. He just wouldn’t give up. After couple of weeks of this, I don’t know what I was thinking at the time, I started falling for him. Over the period of about a month, we exchanged somewhere in the vicinity of 700 text messages with each other. I knew I had to keep delaying his advances until I told him I was trans, and could only tell him that when I thought he would accept it. During this period, I had some of the most intense genital dysphoria I have ever experienced. He would tell me things he wanted to do to my body. I would think that if I had the right equipment, I’d let him do it all.

On the 14th of August, I told him I was trans. He did not take it well. I ended up having an argument with him over why I had not said anything earlier. Needless to say I explained to him that I didn’t even want him in the first place, that he just kept going and going; and that I could only tell him after I thought he could accept it. Fast forward to this Sunday and I hear people, who I’m stealth to, talking about this very blog. I completely froze up with fear. He had outed me. For the trans people who are reading this, you know how dangerous this could be. Trans people are murdered very often for just existing. I didn’t know what to do.

I sent a message to one of the members of the group I knew I could trust to ask if we could talk in private. The first thing I said was “so I take it everyone now knows my secret?” I was nearly in tears. We talked for about two hours on the subject and I learned that there were very few people that even had a problem with the issue. Of course, this doesn’t change the fact that now everyone knows. Now everyone is going to start treating me differently. I was told that it didn’t change how they viewed me, but I have already noticed some things. Most people don’t even realise when they find out this kind of information, they do treat people differently. Everyone around me just sees a woman. As soon as people know something about my past, they treat me differently. Whether they mean to or not, they do. They may not realise when they call me he or him, but I always do. It feels like a knife piercing through me every time they use those words.

Of course, the fact that I was even able to go stealth is such an amazing feeling. I now pass as a woman every time without question. In two months, I will go past my one year mark on hormones. To be honest, a couple of years ago, I never thought I’d make it this far. In November, I have my ten year high school reunion. I plan on going just to show how happy I now am in the body that finally matches what I am on the inside.

The first few times I went out as female, I got a few strange looks. But over time, they have diminished and now I hardly get any. In fact, I often get guys checking me out at times. My breast growth has continued along the same line as it always has. I’m now comfortably fitting into a C cup bra.

I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist in March and that went really well. We went over my childhood and there was no doubt in his mind that I was who I said I was. I have since seen him again and he has given me a referral to an endocrinologist and the letter for me to get a new female passport.

Just last week I received my new photo ID with my new name on it. Now, every identifying document I have except for my birth certificate bears my new name. This has made me truly happy. I have since used my new ID at every opportunity I can think of.

I’ve also started to go out with a few trans people here in Perth in a Facebook group called WATSUP. They’re truly great people and it’s really nice to be able to hang out with other people like me with no pressures about anything.

Anyway, hopefully it’s not another four months before the next update. I’ll try to keep this blog in my mind.

The past month must have been the time the hormones started attacking my face and getting rid of all the maleness. My face appears much more round than it used to be and the skin complexion on my cheeks is just amazing now.

I have been experiencing constant breast growth from when I started. They are growing at a rate of nearly a whole cup size each month. The picture above doesn’t show it off that much, but from measurements, I am now a B cup.

As soon as my holidays started on the 22nd of December, I started doing a lot of things related to my transition. On the first day, I went to the registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages and handed in my legal name change form. Just before I left, I sent in an email to all of my work colleagues coming out and explaining the situation coming forward; that I would return in the new year with my legal name changed to Michelle.

The week before Christmas, I saw my mother for the first time since starting transition. This didn’t really go to well with her visibly avoiding commenting on my appearance and constantly using my old name. By the time Christmas came, I told her that I had gone to legally change my name and she finally started using my new name when she referred to me.

Also on Christmas Day was the first time I had seen my father since he even knew about my status. He hadn’t commented at all since he found out (he added me on Facebook which has many links to here). I didn’t know what to expect. While I was there, he didn’t use either my old or new name at all. The only indication that he approved was that my presents were labelled “To: Michelle.”

On Thursday last week, I received my new name change certificate in the mail. My name is now officially Michelle Rachel Allen. The problem now is getting everything changed over to that new name.

Last Friday, my friend Kit took me shopping for some women’s clothing. I got plenty of new clothes and she was very understanding of what I would be comfortable in at the moment. I also got some makeup, which I haven’t really started to use yet.

Finally, today I was woken up by a phone call from the office of Dr Russel Date. After waiting nearly four months for a call back, I now have an appointment to see him in early March.

Within days of starting, my mood was significantly lifted. I have just been constantly happy ever since popping those first pills. I would lie in bed smiling, start to laugh and eventually start crying because I was so happy. One thing I never realised before I started was, and this may be a little hard to understand, how cloudy my mind was. It’s a very strange sensation. It feels as if I’m finally getting the right chemicals in my brain and can think so very clearly now.

For years, I have had a bit of fat on either side of my waist that has made it fairly uncomfortable for me to sleep on my side. I had tried exercises to get rid of it, but it seemed rather stubborn. A few days after starting hormones, I got some dull cramps right where that fat was. A couple of days later, I went to sleep on my side and suddenly the discomfort wasn’t there at all. The fat was gone. From the day I started hormones until now, I have lost a total of 4 inches from around my waist. My housemate commented just the other day that I look a lot thinner – yet I haven’t lost any weight since I started.

About two weeks in, I noticed some significant breast growth. They just seemed to pop out from where they were as man-boobs into small, but not insignificant, breasts. This is what you can see in the photo above. Over the past two weeks, they have been consistently growing more and more. Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and am very pleased at how they’re coming along. They are constantly sore, but from the people I have talked to, this is normal and signifies growth.

There are a few other things that I’m not sure whether are just psychological or are actual hormonal effects; such as my senses of taste and smell changing subtly. I did notice that things started to smell fairly differently within the first couple of days, but can’t really say whether or not it is definitely due to the hormones or me just expecting some change.

All in all, I’m super excited about my progress so far. I really can’t wait to see what other changes await me in the months to come.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought it was time I stopped waiting for calls back from psychiatrists and just do something. As such, I did a lot of research and decided I might as well self-prescribe hormones. I have read about all the risks involved and I will be getting regular blood tests. I just felt that I needed to do this and couldn’t take waiting for it any more.

I am starting myself out on 2mg Estradiol and 100mg Spironolactone per day. From what I’ve read, these doses are fairly low and would be a good starting point. After I’ve got my blood work done, I may increase the doses as needed. I took my first dose last night and of course don’t expect anything immediately. I just can’t wait until things do start to happen though.

I got home and called his office, the receptionist told me that he was going on holidays and that all new patients would have to send in a referral and he would get back to us when he gets back. I sent in my referral then did a few searches on his name. Apparently he is VERY hard to get an appointment with. Considering he is the only doctor that deals with gender issues in the entire city of over 1.5 million people.

I guess all I can do now is hope that I can get an appointment sometime soon.

Make sure you have a read of my History and About Me pages.

I chose the name for this blog, Geek To Girl, because my nickname amongst all my friends for many years has been “Geek” and this blog will be my transition from that identity into my true identity.